*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
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Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
A great tip. #CakeRex
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep