Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
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Holy crap this is wonderful
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”