Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
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Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Pickled cat.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
I’m giving up for Lent.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend