I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Encore…
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Velcrow
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?