Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
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has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”