Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
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I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.