Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
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I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with