I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
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Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
I love it all
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
…..pretty much.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
my dad has had enough
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs