Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
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Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans