*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
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75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??