I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
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You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
No Google it does not
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
oh u like geography? name every lake
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week