if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
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Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.