First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
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Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.