Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
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Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
and now we wait