Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
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judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.