Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
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Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.