Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
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yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Whoa 😂
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.