I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
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Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.