I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
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Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
WWE is French for “yes”
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.