ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
You Might Also Like
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life