Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
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Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Boom, boom, ching!
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”