Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
You Might Also Like
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down