teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
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I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…