my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
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An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.