MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
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It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
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….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..