Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
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When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.