I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
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With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Kentucky names the shit out of places
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…