if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
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If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.