Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
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“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet