Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
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This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring