friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
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Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.