Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
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mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.