I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
You Might Also Like
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean