That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
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Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I never needed anything more in my life
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Planet of the Apps.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.