If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
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Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
i love modern commerce
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.