Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
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Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: