Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
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me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
so i’m at the stock market right
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.