“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
You Might Also Like
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.