*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
You Might Also Like
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Florida man
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir