For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
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Omg like wtf
-me, praying
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.