Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
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Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.