The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
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Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.