Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
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HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.