Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
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Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
who wants to go expliring
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross