What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
You Might Also Like
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
I am a gravy boat captain
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”