The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
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*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids: