i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
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girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.