At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
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[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.