April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
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mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
🤣🤣
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.