How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
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Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”